Sleepless Nights and Days Like Mercy
Tonight, the play of rainfall against the windowpanes could be likened to splatters of blood on cobblestone: cold, dark, impersonal, and full of some unknown hurt. Perhaps, though, it was his dark mood that lent itself to this analogy. Hunger, grief, regret, self-loathing, anger, confusion, disgust, and fear had all painted in shades of reds, yellows, and blinding white lights tempered by gray skies behind his eyes. They had bled together and crashed over his aching ribcage like a raging ocean against shards of rock in the shape of the bones, and he had weathered the storm. He only felt numb now, chest worn hollow by the torrent of emotion. Now, he finally mulled over his thoughts, on the verge of tears and exhausted in more than one form. He glanced down at his hands, no longer covered by gloves, though the outline of Elias' blood still remained on his face and on the offending limb. The longer he stared at it, the more it tormented him. Traces of copper filtered through the air, shifting and shimmering like red mist in the air as he walked the line between slumber and alertness. In his mind, separate of what his eyes told him was an empty room, played four scenes: First: He looked down at his hands, then at Elias. He could feel blood on his hands, followed by a sickening lurch in his stomach. Second: He realized Lillian was, in fact, still dead. This was followed by the jarring realization of, Oh, it was Elias he was attacking. He didn't want to stop. Third: Blood welled up from the cut on Elias' side. An impossible amount coursed from depths unseen and bathed the whole room red and black as they choked on it. It was oddly comforting, and warm. Fourth: The idea of tearing apart the other man's ribcage to gaze upon the heart inside. The picture had no right to be so beautiful, so perfect in its violent nature. He had no right to be thinking those things, he shouldn't have been. What kind of monster was he, to want to harm someone who had been so kind, so understanding? He shouldn't have been thinking of Elias' smile and laughter in the kitchen, early on in their acquaintanceship, nor the play of light across his face, that, at the time had seemed nothing noteworthy, but he now found himself admiring greatly. He shouldn't have been thinking of the strange ways his eyes showed emotion, or of how he found the man's frown of concern endearing, if entirely unwarranted. Richard shouldn't have been thinking of any of that, and yet he was. Warmth and darkness chased each other in ever frantic circles, making it rather hard to breathe as his panic grew like so much static in his mind. The bloodstain still taunted him, reminded him of what atrocities his hands had committed. The world swam with his vision as the edges turned black from fatigue and hunger days old. He couldn't stand to look at them. They were vile, these things that he had created, suited for an evil purpose. They needed to go, needed to be off. He needed to be unable to hurt anyone else, needed to stop himself. He had done the very thing he promised his father he would never do: he lost control of himself, and look at what had happened. It could not be allowed to happen again. A swell of twisted determination crashed through him, and he was across the room at his work station before he could hesitate. He allowed himself a moment to consider the negative consequences of his actions, though his thoughts were clouded by the logic of one shrouded in grief, and could not find many. Grabbing the necessary tools, he retreated to his bed and set to work. The left arm would go first. He could disconnect the right one more easily, as per his design. Partway through the first bolt, he remembered why he despised this part of maintenance. As the screws loosened, the beginning of the terrifying loss of feeling was waylaid only by pain that burned like a torrent of freezing water, white-hot claws of it racing through what was left of his shoulder and down his spine. The feeling only amplified with ever bolt and buckle loosened after that. Minutes passed by in eternities of electric sparks dancing behind his eyelids, curdling his stomach. Tears coursed down his face, but he didn't allow himself to stop, he couldn't. An endless litany of Never again' s and '''Look at what you have done's rose like a sea of furiously whispering voices; The top of each surge of guilt threw him into loosening another bolt, the trough of each wave threatened to drown him in guilt, oh so much guilt, and loathing for himself. Again and again, splinters of pain raced down his arm and into his spine, driving spikes into his temples. As if the bucket of water slowly trickled empty, the ability to feel his arm slipped away, slowly, slowly.. Then? There was nothing. He could feel no more through that part of him. The absence was almost comforting, though the great gaping feeling of there needing to be something doused that flame in a single lurching heartbeat. His arm fell to the floor with a clatter, and he let out a shuddering gasp. The soft pings of bolts afterwards sounded like bullets (and that was a memory he didn't need to revisit at the moment), accompanying a copper taste in his mouth- he had bitten his cheek a bit too hard in his endeavor not to shout. There was still part of an arm to go. His right arm had fewer bolts and more buckles than anything, but his body shook with pain and quiet sobs, which caused the whole process to drag on far longer than before. This time, since there was still part of an arm for the pain to travel through, it felt less like his side was being set ablaze and more like the night when it had first been sawed off. This was the downside to the pseudo-neural network he had been gifted: he got to relieve the experience of losing both limbs as if he were amputating them himself. With a final, sickening 'pop!', the other arm joined it's partner on the floor. He couldn't repress the low whine of pain that followed as he doubled over on himself; Arms no longer attached tried to wrap around his torso, only to find that he could no longer receive comfort from even himself. The thought put a dark smile on his lips. Good. It was no less than he deserved. He chuckled, then laughed quietly. The chiming of broken glass and choked-back sobs eventually turned to silent, shuddering gasps. The aftershocks of pain and the feeling of phantom limbs skittered down his skin like so many sparks illuminating the sky. He really was tired. He was aware he needed sleep. ... He didn't sleep. He sat in the middle of his bed and laughed, great, silent breaths of air choked into whines and smiles because really. Really. He was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous to be losing his mind over such a small thing when he had quite simply killed several people- a few of them his friends for years!- without batting an eye at the time, and even now he couldn't say he regretted doing that- oh no. He hated his''lack of remorse'' at snuffing out their lives but this? The idea of killing someone he had only known for a few weeks, at most, had him undoing years worth of work in a single instance. Absolutely ridiculous. Elias probably didn't even consider him a friend. He wouldn't matter, he never mattered to anyone! The second chosen son but the first born, the friend that never spoke unless spoken to, the obstacle in the way of romance or glory. He never mattered! He laughed, and he sobbed, and he smiled at the sheer ridiculousness of it all, his entire body shuddering with ghosts of pain and great, shaking earthquakes of emotion. Oh, if his father- he who prided control over all else!- could see him now: illuminated with the barest hints of morning light, a figure still clothed in shadow despite the color blooming around him, shuddering and grinning as he was. His father would have been livid, His uncle would have been proud, Elias would have been concerned, Jack would have made a joke, Benediktas would purse his lips in that quietly frustrated way and shook his head. The great Patchwork Prince, falling apart at the seams in all ways of life. Absolutely Ridiculous '''Decipherer: It was two days after, to be precise. Two days had he so far to carry out this conversation, two says thus far to go talk to Richard. Two days where anxious feelings had won control over him each and every time, where nervous emotions bundled up and offered his stomach a nauseous feeling. In fact, it was miraculous he had mustered such courage tonight, and that was entirely Artemis' doing; Elias would have long since abandoned the hesitant position behind Richard's door that he stood in now if his brother were not aside him, flashing his encouraging smile that he always wore. Elias drew in a breath, puffed his cheeks outwards, and knocked on the door with a weak little, "Richard, it's Elias." Tairais: Richard's sucked in a startled breath that was exhaled as a low chuckle. It was almost like that old saying, 'Speak of the devil and he shall appear', though Elias certainly wasn't a devil of any sort. That he knew of, granted. His heart, which had been sluggish and practically a dead weight inside of his chest, began beating like a rabbit's. To put it simply, he was almost sick with shame and panic. Elias didn't need to see him like this, what was he doing? He didn't matter, why was Elias still- Well, if he was coming for his own retribution, then perhaps that made more sense, but it didn't seem.. right. Maybe if he was quiet, Elias would lose his nerve and not see the ridiculous state he was in. He huffed out a quiet sigh and shuffled to the edge of his bed before standing slowly. His eyes rolled slightly as his vision blurred for a frankly alarming amount of time, and he took a few moments to try and regain his equilibrium. Blood rushed in his ears and left him feeling fainter than before, so he sat back down on the edge of the bed. It was more of a fall than a sit, which earned him a loud 'thud!' as the bed shifted and slammed against the wall. So much for being quiet. He huffed in amusement, the edges of his mouth twitching towards a smile again before he forcibly wiped his expression to a blank, reflective stare. Some control had to be maintained, after all. He had to at least make the effort. He tried to speak, only to find his voice a low, formless rumble; Perhaps more like a wolf's growl than anything. Tears were still trickling down his face, he realized, though that was now more likely due to the resurgence of pain from trying to move limbs that no longer existed as he had fallen. It felt like fireworks, his sparks of pain, and his eyes glittered with amusement as well as tears in the one that worked properly. Absolutely ridiculous. Decipherer: Elias listened for any sound on the other side, drawing his hand back after a moment at the soft scuffles, sounds Elias didn't immediately take to be upon the opposite side of the door until the 'thud'. His heart leapt at the unexpected loudness, and his nerves grew at the lack of noise that followed it. He shared a glance with Artemis, his stomach lurching with fear, though some part of him found itself to be irritated that it was being blatantly ignored. He rests his hand on the doorknob and asks tentatively, "Richard, may I come in? I'm not angry." He paused to draw in a shaking breath. "Please, just... we should talk. About this. Can I open the door?" Tairais: Richard frowned and sighed softly. He coughed to clear his throat several times, faint traces of copper from his bitten cheek mixing with saliva in a taste that made him wince. Eventually, after a few minutes, he managed to croak, "I f-find m-myself... i-indisposed. T-the d-door... is unlocked." He startled himself with how.. strong it sounded. Hoarse, yes, but it betrayed very little of his dried tears. He supposed he was grateful for that; His fathers lessons had taught him well. His heart thudded almost impossibly quicker, and he fought the urge to shrink down. He would face whatever came with as much calm as he could fabricate, despite what lay on the inside. In the moments that followed, he found enough time had passed to compartmentalize most of the lingering frantic emotions from earlier, leaving him once again with the strange sense of floating. Once again, on went the mask of Richard Prince, the erratic, weary, and somehow charming doctor to hide the void that contained a whirlwind of emotion somewhere in its recesses. The barest hints of a sheepish smile, and a hardly-tweaked expression of weariness and self-loathing. The best lies were fabricated from truth, and this would only hide the true depth of his emotion. It was for the best. Decipherer: Elias remains at the door as minutes go by, a conversation passing between he and his brother's gazes that is unreadable to anyone else but the two themselves. Both turn to face the door as Richard speaks, and as permission is given, he turns the knob gingerly. Elias freezes in the doorframe at the sight, and the -- smugness? -- on Artemis' face dissipates as he follows suit. His eyes barely take a scan of the scene - Richard, on the bed; his arms, near the work station - before he steps inside, waiting for Artemis' entry behind him before the closing the door behind both. He faces Richard with a mix of concern, confusion, and sternness, his previous gentleness gone, though no anger in its place. "What happened to you?" Tairais: Richard chuckled darkly. "I happened." That was all, really. Every regret he had could be chalked up to something he did, and while this wasn't necessarily a regret, it still held true. His stomach twisted at the look on both Elias and Artemis' faces. They'd understand, in time, surely. He stiffened slightly as a tell-tale trickle of blood snuck its way down his back. Apparently, his old cuts hadn't healed as well as he thought. He shifted slightly, angling his left shoulder away from view. One less thing they needed to worry about. He would be fine. He designed his arms with this in mind, after Jack died and the events that followed. Decipherer: Elias furrows his brow in thought, looking towards the abandoned arms again. "What do you mean?" '' ''Something was off about the scene, that was clear. Richard was... definitely hard to overpower. Had he done this to himself? Artemis tilts his head, glancing briefly to Elias before asking the very same question Elias had thought rather bluntly, "Did you do that?" Tairais: Richard nodded, once again finding words difficult to come by. Distantly, he wondered if he should try to explain himself. Once more he tried to stand, only to stumble as dizziness stole the edges of his vision once more. He managed to catch himself by leaning against the wall at the head of the bed and chuckled. "M-my... a-apologies." His voice was still hoarse, but it was definitely softer. When had he last eaten? Likely about the last time he slept. Neither timeframe was entirely encouraging. He'd deal with it later. Elias and Artemis needed to be dealt with first. He really didn't want to have this conversation, but he owed it to both Elias and Artemis. He had tried to kill Elias, dream-induced state notwithstanding. Decipherer: Elias resisted the urge to help Richard as he began to stumble and shakes his head, his voice softening to match. "There's no need to apologize. What happened?" Artemis crosses his arms, though he looks far more encouraging. Tairais: Richard chuckled. "I b-believe.. I t-told y-you a-already: I h-happened. I c-cannot c-control m-myself, s-so.. I t-took a-away m-my ability t-to h-harm. It is b-better t-this way." He huffed out a barely-there sigh. In equal parts, he wanted the pair of them to leave him be and for them to stay. It was disconcerting. He was also quite dizzy and didn't want to make any more a fool of himself in front of them, though that was looking to happen one way or another, given the way events were playing out. Decipherer: Both men wear a very similar expression: shock. Elias', however, quickly becomes that concerned frown that seems to occur more and more. Artemis eyes his brother with worry before returning his stare to Richard, asking softly, "Why would you do that?" Elias nods in agreement, crossing his arms. "It's not better this way! I should have..." His voice drifts, and he clears his throat. "You asked for me to go. I should have complied." Tairais: Richard grinned in a bitter, almost savage manner. "A-and I s-should n-not h-have... k-killed m-my uncle, f-for I q-quite t-think t-that... e-event s-started.. a-all of t-this." He chuckled in earnest now, and became quite aware that he was behaving very strangely. "D-do y-you s-see? T-this w-was a l-long t-time c-coming. Y-you-" He nodded towards Elias, trembling with the effort to keep upright against the wall. "Y-you w-were j-just t-the l-last straw. I..." He glanced down, finally finding the encounter entirely too overwhelming to keep eye contact. His voice felt smaller now, weariness replacing the hint of mania that had worked its way in. "I c-cannot t-trust myself. I d-despise m-myself." He tilted his head slightly as he considered his next words carefully. "T-the w-worst p-part of it a-all is I c-cannot t-tell if I a-am awake, o-or if e-everything I f-felt was s-some w-wretched n-nightmare." He paused again, then locked eyes with Elias, a challenging gleam in his eyes. "I w-wanted t-to k-kill y-you. E-even a-after I r-realized w-where I w-was. Y-you a-are m-my f-friend, yes? A-and even t-then.. I-I.. w-wanted to. It w-was a b-beautiful t-thought, and I d-do not k-know w-why." His throat tightened once more and he stopped speaking.He gritted his teeth against the pounding headache in his skull; the wall felt like it was falling away. They needed to leave. He wasn't going to make them leave, but they needed to. For their own good. Decipherer: Artemis tenses up at Richard's words and his gaze passes through many emotions long before Elias ever displays a reaction, and he steps towards his brother in an oddly defensive manner. Elias, however, doesn't respond, not for several minutes. Every time he tries to speak, his words fall short, and he closes his mouth. Eventually, after an extended period of silence, he shrugs. His words are slowed and unsure. "I wish I could make it-- I... Do you want me to leave? I can." Elias sighs weakly, his hands fidgeting. Richard had hurt him, and ditching him was likely no more than what he had deserved, so why couldn't he just go? Tairais: Richard opened his mouth to speak, only to close it in a hurry as his face palled, his eyes rolled back, and his legs gave out from under him. Thud! That was probably the back of his head, though he wasn't really able to tell; his head had already felt like railroad spikes were being driven through it. Once on the ground, he took a deep breath and giggled softly. He had seen that coming, true, but he wasn't sure why it was funny. A few moments later, once he found he couldn't stop- was he starting to cry again? Probably. He wanted to bury his face in his hands, and when he remembered he couldn't, his grin flickered at the edges. His words were interspersed with bursts of laughter and hiccuping sounds. "Y-you s-should, b-but I d-do n-not.. I w-want y-you t-t-to stay, and i-is t-that n-not.. t-t-the m-most r-ridiculous t-thing?" He paused, before adding sincerely, "I am.. t-truly, t-truly s-sorry, b-both o-of y-you." He couldn't look them in the eyes. He didn't deserve to. Absolutely ridiculous. Decipherer: Artemis looked upon Richard with concern, and Elias guilt. Something about the sight twisted their stomachs, though their reasons for it would find themselves being drastically different. Elias walks across the room and kneels down next to Richard, pulling him into a hug. Artemis soon follows after and gently places his hands on what remains of Richard's shoulders. Both of them saw the blood, but neither mentioned it. Tairais: Richard only partly stifled his full-body shudder at the touch. For all of two heartbeats, his mind briefly darted to a memory that had earned him a knife in the kidney in a similar position as this. He managed to force it away and relaxed slowly, blinking back tears of surprise. The gestures felt.. nice. There was no sensation of a thousand burrowing insects rippling from the contact, no warning bells chiming in his mind, only sturdy warmth. He leaned his head on Elias's shoulder and closed his eyes (eye, technically). Tears streamed down his face as they drained the last lingering claws of the worst parts of him, and he angled his head away so they wouldn't ruin Elias' clothes. He breathed in a slow, shuddering, quiet breath, and exhaled similarly. His heart thudded in his chest, but within it unfurled a bloom of warmth he couldn't quite identify fully. Gratitude seemed to come close, but it didn't feel quite right. It was close enough. Decipherer: Elias couldn't help the amount of surprise he had towards Richard as he didn't pull away, and though his shoulders tense only slightly when Richard lays his head down, they relax into the contact. He doesn't move away from the hug for a while, as it was providing an unfamiliar comfort and warmth. He rubs his eyes and coughs out a small chuckle (and Artemis shoots him a rather puzzled look at this), and the two men take to sitting next to Richard in comfortable silence. Tairais: Richard's breathing eventually evened out as he felt his eyes begin to droop shut. His voice was nearly gone again, but he managed to croak out a warning to Elias and Artemis. "I d-do.. h-hate t-to r..r-ruin the m-moment, b-but I am.. falling a-asleep again." He chuckled, though it was more a low rumble in his chest. "F-fortunately I am b-both unarmed and m-many.. many d-days w-without p-proper s-sleep, so I w-will n-not.. b-be... t-trouble, h-however it... may b-be best t-to b-be safe, c-considering." For a few moments, he had almost forgotten his grief. After speaking, though it returned to the forefront of his mind, it was no longer all-consuming in its ferocity. He frowned slightly after a moment's thought: Was he even going to be able to stand upright without falling over? He supposed it was up to fate, though fate did so often like to put him in harm's way. Decipherer: Elias nods and offers a flicker of a smile, ignoring the dark humor of it and getting to his feet and, for a very, very short second, he begins to offer a hand to help him up. As soon as he remembers Richard cannot act on this, though, he folds his hands together, internally chastising himself for forgetting. All while Elias continues reprimanding himself mentally, Artemis kneels down to offer support to Richard. Tairais: Richard breathed in slowly and used the wall behind him to stand, flashing Artemis and Elias both a grateful look, though to the latter there was a flash of amusement in his eye, gone as quickly as it came. Regardless of the brother's kindness, his pride would only let him go so far. As he stood, he did his best to convey an air of sureness, though whatever effect he might have had was belied by his slight trembling, like an aspen tree in a quiet breeze. He paused after that, not entirely sure what to say or do while Artemis and Elias were still in his room. Decipherer: Artemis nods with some sense of understanding, standing upright with a small smile. Though he eyes him with partial concern, he doesn't resume his help. Elias clears his throat after a moment, retreating towards the door with his sibling in tow. He smiles at Richard with a tilt of his head and says somewhat softly, "Get some sleep, friend. Please." He closes the door gently behind them. Tairais: Richard felt an answering grin bubble forth in the now-empty room. He frowned after a moment and cataloged the peculiar feeling for analysis later. The fuzzy feeling in his chest would be tucked away for later too, though part of that could easily be attributed to his lack of food or sleep. Whether or not it was a truthful attribution remained to be seen. He all but fell into bed after that, kept company by the memories of the conversations he'd just had, and by the lingering ghosts of Artemis' quiet kindness and Elias' warm embrace. For the first in many nights, he didn't dream. Obtained From Sleepless Nights and Days like Mercy Category:Main Plot Category:Tales from the ER